Speaking up at work. What holds us back and what helps

Speaking up at work can feel harder than it should. Organisational consultant and Positive Psychology coach Mireille Pellegrini Petit shares research, insight and practical guidance on what keeps women silent - and how to change it.

Have you ever really wanted to say something at work but didn’t because you thought it was stupid, only to hear that same idea applauded when it was later uttered by someone else?

Or maybe you wanted to share a thought, but it never seemed to be the right time because others kept speaking first and their voices drowned yours out.

I know I have. And I also know I’m not alone.

Organisational consultant Mireille Pellegrini Petit explains that this hesitation is common for women, who often ‘shy away’ from speaking up during work meetings. While, of course, she stresses it depends on the context and the individual woman, it is still relatively common for women to hold themselves back, particularly in male-dominated environments or when they are younger or more junior than others in the room.

Not everyone experiences this in the same way, and context does make a difference. One woman said: “I find it easy to speak up at work. If there was something that needs to be said, I’d say it rather than complain after the meeting.” Another shared: “I find it very difficult to speak in a crowd but feel so comfortable at work, with like-minded people that I do manage to voice my opinion.”

Experience and age also seem to matter. As one woman explained: “Age and experience make a difference. I have become more assertive and confident with age. I no longer hold back. But I also struggle with being heard or finding the right time to chip in because I am soft spoken.”

Another reflected: “I have no problem voicing my opinions now and I’m proud I’ve overcome my shyness over the years... though sometimes it creeps back.”

What the research shows

According to Mireille, who is a Positive Psychology Coach, trainer and the founder of Thrive Positive, research confirms that this pattern is still more widespread than we might hope.

Studies at the University of Cambridge have found that women are significantly less likely to voice their opinions in group settings, including academic seminars and workplace meetings. In academic seminars in particular, women were found to be two and a half times less likely to ask questions than men.

*“Confidence is not the absence of self-doubt, it is choosing to speak even when doubt is present.”*
*- Mireille Pellegrini Petit*

“This is not because women lack ideas, intelligence or competence. More often it is linked to confidence and the internal imposter voice that questions: ‘What if I’m wrong?’ or ‘What if I look stupid or foolish saying this?’”, she says. She adds that meetings are a particularly challenging context because they combine visibility, power dynamics, time pressure and group judgement, all of which can amplify self-doubt and hesitation.

Self-doubt, perfectionism and the ‘good girl’ narrative

So why does this happen, and is it more common in women? Mireille explains that self-doubt, confidence issues and imposter syndrome all play a role.

While these experiences aren’t exclusive to women, as many men also struggle with confidence and imposter syndrome, they do tend to be reported more frequently by women.

Women are more likely to self-monitor and question themselves, asking things like: “Is this good enough?” or “How will this idea land?”, and to overthink rather than speak up. High-achieving women in particular, she says, tend to be perfectionists.

“When women stay silent, organisations lose valuable insights, perspectives, and better decision-making.”

They often wait until their ideas are fully formed or “fool-proof” before speaking, whereas others may think out loud - something Mireille notes men are more often socialised to do. She points to writers such as Sally Helgesen and Julie Johnson of The Female Vision, who have described how women can undervalue their contributions and assume others are more entitled to speak.

“I see this frequently in my coaching work. Recently, a female HR manager described sitting in senior leadership meetings with her male colleagues. She often wanted to contribute ideas or intervene, but her fear of sounding ‘stupid’ or ‘soft’ held her back. Time and again, she watched as: either a colleague voiced a similar idea and received credit for it, or holding back led to a negative outcome - and she would feel frustrated with herself. Stories like this are extremely common among the women I work with,” she said.

Then, she says, there are other concerns that stem from the way some women think their intervention might be perceived by others in the room - the fear of being perceived as too emotional, too forceful, too difficult or “too much.”

*“Women often navigate a double bind: speak up and risk judgement, stay quiet and risk being overlooked.”*

“When women feel passionate, convicted, or even angry about an issue, many hold back to avoid being labelled ‘difficult’ or ‘aggressive’. Some of this comes from lived experience, some from deeply internalised narratives shaped early in life,” she says.

This links strongly to cultural and societal norms and conditioning, such as the “good girl” syndrome, where women have historically been taught to be modest, not draw attention to themselves and to be pleasing to others.

“From a young age, many girls/women are rewarded for being agreeable rather than outspoken. Women often navigate a double bind: speak up and risk judgement, stay quiet and risk being overlooked,” she says.

In male-dominated meetings, unconscious bias can also play a role. Women frequently report being interrupted, spoken over, or having their ideas overlooked, only to see those same ideas gain traction when voiced by male colleagues. Over time, these experiences understandably make women more reluctant to speak.

Building confidence by speaking, not waiting

So how can these feelings be overcome? Mireille says one of the most important reframes is this: confidence is not the absence of self-doubt, it is choosing to speak even when doubt is present.

“Waiting to feel confident before speaking rarely works, confidence will grow through action and taking small steps to speak up, and slowly building up confidence. Speaking early in a meeting can also be particularly helpful. It reduces that internal pressure women feel and helps you establish your presence. And it’s worth remembering that your input does not need to be perfect to be valuable,” she says.

She adds that this is about reframing perception. “Many women need to reframe what it means to bring their voice to the table. Rather than viewing speaking up as self-promotion, women can reframe it as contribution. When women stay silent, organisations lose valuable insights, perspectives, and better decision-making,” she says.

*“Rather than viewing speaking up as self-promotion, women can reframe it as contribution.”*

Learning the lesson the hard way

This insight is not just academic for Mireille - it comes from personal experience. “I learned this lesson myself early in my career. I was working on a project with an all-male team and had strong intuitions about relational dynamics and underlying emotions within the organisation we were supporting.

“I held back, fearing these insights would be seen as ‘soft and fluffy’ rather than strategic. The project ultimately failed to have the impact we had hoped for, and a later review highlighted exactly the issues I had sensed but not voiced.”

“That experience stayed with me. I made a conscious decision to share my intuitions going forward, even when they didn’t feel ‘professional enough.’ Over time, I saw how much my male colleagues valued these perspectives and how they strengthened our work.

“My perspective, paired with theirs, provided a more holistic approach to our work. It was not they that held me back, but myself. As I have built confidence to voice my insights more, they have sought them out more,” she says adding: “This has made me more determined to empower women to bring their valuable female perspectives, insights and visions into workplace meetings.”

*“If organisations want people - women or men - to speak up, they must make it psychologically safe to do so.”*

The role of organisations and leaders

Mireille stresses it is not only down to women themselves to address this issue. Organisations and leaders play a crucial role in shaping who feels able to speak up.

“If organisations want people - women or men - to speak up, they must make it psychologically safe to do so. Inclusive meetings do not happen by accident - they are actively facilitated.

“Leaders have significant power to shape environments where people feel safe to contribute without fear of being ignored, dismissed, or shamed. When safety is present, diverse voices emerge and everyone benefits,” she says.

Building the muscle to speak up – Mireille’s tips

Speak from your strengths. Identify what you naturally bring to the table and lead from there. If curiosity is a strength, ask thoughtful questions. If perspective is a strength, highlight patterns others may not see. If empathy is a strength, voice the human or client impact of decisions.
Challenge your internal imposter narrative. Remind yourself that you are in the room for a reason and that your perspective adds value precisely because it is different.
Start small. Aim to contribute at least once in every meeting, even if it’s just a question or building on someone else’s idea.
Build gradually. Once that feels easier, challenge yourself to share an original idea or perspective. Prepare key points in advance and adopt a growth mindset: reflect on what went well and what you want to improve next time.
Seek feedback. Ask a trusted colleague for constructive input on how you come across and then improve from that.
Pay attention to your non-verbal communication. Confident body language - such as sitting upright, making eye contact, speaking calmly and clearly - can significantly reinforce your message and help in getting your views heard.
Track your successes. Keep a record of positive feedback, achievements, and the impact of your contributions – I often recommend women create a Positive Feedback / Achievement Folder and store this there. This helps counteract the brain’s natural negativity bias and provides concrete evidence to fight against the self-doubt.

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Words matter

The words we use can either undermine or reinforce our confidence. Avoid terms like:

“I’m not sure if this makes sense, but…” or “does that make sense?”
“I’m not an expert, but…”
“Sorry to interrupt…”
“This might be a silly idea, but…”
“I might be wrong, but…”.

Some confident alternatives could be:

“Based on my experience, I suggest…” or “would you like me to elaborate?”
“I propose we consider…”
“I’d like to add…”
“Here’s another perspective…”

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