Be clear about what you want. Say it loud and clear.

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash ‍

The advice…

Be clear about what you want. Say the words loud and clear. That way, there is no room for interpretation. And, more importantly, no room for disappointment and resentment.

Where it’s coming from…

“Be clear about what you want. Say it out loud.”

Those words surprised me as they came out of my mouth when a group of women walked up to me - camera in hand - and asked me to share some marriage advice.

They were a group of about five tourists on what looked like a hen weekend. One of them was wearing a bride's veil. They were collecting marriage advice from strangers.

When I told them to be clear about what they wanted, they all looked at each other and said: "That's really good advice."

I smiled to myself and at my daughter, who was eating an ice cream nearby. As I drove home and digested what I had said, I realised just how important it is to be clear about what you want - not only in marriage, but in every part of life.

You see, for many years I've been the "I don't mind," "Anything's good for me," "Go with the flow", “live and let live”, “choose your battles” sort of person.

Ask me whether I wanted pizza or pasta and I'd reply: "Both work for me. What do you want?" Ask me where I wanted to go on holiday and I'd answer with an open-ended: "There are so many places worth visiting."

And honestly, I meant every word. It was true that I didn't mind what colour the kitchen was, or where we went for dinner. (Thinking about it, the only things I'm still clear over are sparkling water and penne over spaghetti.)

I digress.

As I've grown older, I no longer "don't mind" certain things. But habit makes me use the same phrases that have become a default reply. I've come to realise there are things I have no patience for. There are things I genuinely prefer over others. And if I don't voice those preferences, I end up feeling resentful.

Most importantly, I've realised there's nothing wrong with saying what I want. In fact, it often makes life easier for the people around me.

I recently came across a post a friend shared that said: "When you're over 40, you're not losing your eyesight -you're gaining a sharper eye for bullshit."

And you know what? I think that also applies to the stories we tell ourselves – the inner bullshitter within us.

No more tolerating the version of myself that says: "It's okay," when it really isn't.

It's okay to be kind. It's okay to be accommodating. But if something matters to me - if I'm asked and I genuinely have a preference - I owe it to myself to say it clearly.

Then I can be flexible. I don't need to throw a tantrum if things don't go my way. But that's a far healthier place to be than quietly saying one thing while meaning another and allowing resentment to build.

And that applies to every part of life: relationships, work, friendships, family... and the relationship we have with ourselves.