Embracing envy: You can be happy for her and still wish it were you.
Original photo by Yuri Figueiredo on Unsplash, with AI edit
If there is one emotion that makes me uncomfortable in every cell of my body, it has to be envy. I think it’s because it tends to conjure up a whole host of other negative emotions that get reflected back at me: guilt, disappointment, shame and confusion.
There have been times in my life when envy has surfaced and, without fail, it has made me feel like a bad person. As a child, I remember feeling envious of my cousin, who had a coveted dolls’ house. I wished I had one, too.
Later in life, I wished I had my friends’ confidence (and ears). Then, when I was trying to have a baby, I felt a pang of sadness when a friend announced her pregnancy. It made me feel like a horrible, horrible friend, even though part of me was genuinely happy for her.
Now, as I grow older, this feeling often emerges when I speak to someone who has, for example, managed to follow their dream successfully and effortlessly while juggling everything else in their life. How do they manage to do it all? How do they manage to find the time, and I can’t seem to manage to remember to drink my coffee? How? How? How?
I digress.
Each time this feeling rises inside me, without fail, the trigger has been something I really, really wanted or hoped for. Sometimes, it has even been something I didn’t realise I wanted until I saw someone else have it, as was the case with pregnancy (I had no idea I wanted to have a baby until I felt sad for not having one).
So, I wanted to understand what this was all about. I turned to an expert - counselling psychologist Stephanie Borg Bartolo, a visiting senior lecturer at the University of Malta’s Department of Psychiatry - to help me unpack these uncomfortable emotions, particularly envy. The good news? I’m not alone, and these feelings are entirely normal.
Envy vs jealousy: What’s the difference?
Stephanie begins by explaining that, although the two terms ‘envy’ and ‘jealousy’ are often used interchangeably, they refer to different emotions.
“Envy is a wish to have something that somebody else has, like a house, a promotion, children… anything that another person has that you want. It involves a comparison between you and another person. It is usually rooted in feeling inferior, not being happy with your life or part of it, and having lower self-worth - or simply wanting something you’ve always wanted,” she says.
“Envy is a wish to have something that somebody else has… Jealousy, on the other hand, focuses more on relationships and the fear of losing someone to another person.”
Jealousy, on the other hand, focuses more on relationships and the fear of losing someone to another person.
“It involves more than one person - for example, you, your partner and a friend. It involves the fear that you will lose someone you have to someone else. Like: ‘my friend will no longer be my friend because she are getting close to another person’. It is also rooted in insecurity, fear of abandonment, anxiety and fear of being betrayed,” Stephanie explains.
Understanding the distinction is important, but perhaps even more important is recognising that envy itself is not inherently negative.
Envy isn’t always a bad thing
Envy can be benign and even motivate us to improve, grow and work towards our goals. If a friend gets a promotion you’ve been hoping for, for example, their success might inspire you to work towards the same goal.
Malicious envy, however, can lead to resentment, bitterness and attempts to diminish someone else’s success. Imagine a friend buys a house and, rather than acknowledging your own disappointment at not being in the same position, you launch into a rant about how buying property is a waste of money and how renting a smaller apartment and travelling is a much better way to live.
The difference lies not necessarily in the feeling itself, but in what we do with it, Stephanie elaborates.
Phew! So feeling envy does not make you a bad, evil person and friend?
Stephanie explains: “Envy is just an emotion, and we don’t have to label it as good or bad. The key is to understand why we are feeling it: do I understand why I am envious of another person, and how can I hold that emotion?”
This is particularly important when we find ourselves experiencing two seemingly contradictory feelings at once.
“You can wish you had what she has, but at the same time be happy for her. You can hold both emotions — being happy for her but also feeling envious because she has something you’ve always wanted.”
For parents struggling with infertility, or those who have experienced miscarriage, a friend’s pregnancy announcement can bring up a complicated mix of emotions. They might genuinely wish their friend well while simultaneously grieving what they themselves have not been able to have.
“You can wish you had what she has, but at the same time be happy for her. You can hold both emotions - being happy for her but also feeling envious because she has something you’ve always wanted,” she says.
Learning to accept these conflicting feelings, Stephanie explains, is part of the process. We need to normalise the experience and pay attention to what we do with the emotion.
“We need to educate people that, in most situations, we can hold two very different emotions at the same time.”
When envy involves someone you love
Holding these conflicting emotions can feel particularly uncomfortable when they are directed towards someone we love, such as a close friend.
“If you feel envy toward a close friend and you feel inherently bad, it can create an awkward situation - feeling negative emotions towards someone you love. It can feel uncomfortable, and you might want to avoid that person because they become a trigger for you feeling bad about yourself.”
But envy is ultimately just another emotion.
“We can feel angry at people we love dearly. The same can be said for any emotion.”
“If you feel envy toward a close friend and you feel inherently bad, it can create an awkward situation — feeling negative emotions towards someone you love.”
If someone has something you have wanted all your life, and you are struggling to attain it yourself, it is understandable to feel a pang of sadness or even envy when they get it. You can be genuinely happy for them and still feel hurt by your own circumstances, Stephanie reiterates.
The important thing is learning to live with both emotions and accepting that you can love someone while also struggling with what their situation brings up for you.
Their success does not necessarily mean they have done anything wrong. Rather, it may serve as a reminder of your own insecurities, fears or unmet desires.
“Instead of asking yourself why you feel this way about someone you love, perhaps a more useful question is: What can I learn about myself from this reaction?” she notes.
What can we learn from envy?
The first step, Stephanie explains, is to accept that envy is a common human emotion, even if people are often afraid of being judged for admitting to it.
“It’s about what we do with it. We can let it fester and villainise the person - thinking they must have cheated, for example - or we can sit with it, see how we feel and decide what we can do about it.
“In the case of infertility, there is not much you can do, but it’s about accepting it. If the situation is more practical, like wanting a specific car or wanting to go on a trip, you can ask yourself whether it is something you can control and want enough to work towards. You can look at what is blocking you.”
“Envy can offer us valuable information about ourselves. It can reveal desires we have ignored, insecurities we have not addressed or goals we have yet to pursue.”
In other words, envy can offer us valuable information about ourselves. It can reveal desires we have ignored, insecurities we have not addressed or goals we have yet to pursue.
“A lot of information can come from sitting with our emotions and trying to understand what they mean for us. What meaning are we making from this process and from this emotion? This is how you move towards something more constructive,” she says, adding that if envy becomes consuming, it can help to talk it through with someone.
The Stephanie says something that lights a bulb in my mind and heart: “There is also the possibility of using other people’s success as a source of inspiration, rather than a reason to feel inadequate.”
Wow. That uncomfortable feeling might be what we need to push is into action towards something we really want. I love that.
Stephanie goes on: “Some people use others’ successes as a source of inspiration. First, you need to be aware of your own insecurities. If, for example, you are not confident enough, you might think, ‘If they managed it, I can too.’ It depends on your outlook, how you choose to perceive the situation and how you understand your own emotions,” she says.
Perhaps, then, the aim is not to stop feeling envy altogether, but to change our relationship with it. To stop treating it as evidence that we are bad people and start seeing it as an opportunity to understand ourselves better.
That, I can live with.
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