Shifting the role-posts. Sharing and changing relationship roles without falling apart.
Photo by Nienke Burgers on Unsplash
We can get stuck in roles - even in our daily lives.
When a couple becomes parents, there’s a natural tendency to fall into roles. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But beware: roles can stick. Problems often begin when one person wants to shed a role, share it, or take on a new one - but feels alone in trying to make that change.
Let me break it down, based on the experiences of several couples I know.
When a baby enters the picture, parents face choices. They might try to maintain their pre-baby lives: working the same hours, socialising just as much. But that only works in two scenarios: either the baby is one of those rare “angel babies”, or they get help.
In most cases, however, one parent - usually the woman, according to research, but men also take this role - slows down at work. This is when roles start to form: At first, when you're overwhelmed and overjoyed by becoming a parent, you're happy to slow down. You shift your focus and pour all your energy into your new role: motherhood.
It’s all-encompassing - physical, emotional, and psychological... what some refer to as matrescence.
At first, the role might feel shared. But - as happens in many cases - when one parent returns to work and the other stays home, a kind of territory is set. And that’s okay - for a while.
“Suddenly, the idea of spending 9 to 5 in the office feels like a break - a vacation from the chaos of “mummy-land” into the adult world, where you can focus on just one task instead of packing for 24 hours before even leaving the house.”
But time passes. Things start to settle, even if it feels like they never will. Then the child starts daycare. Working hours might begin to increase, out of choice or necessity.
And the demands pile on.
Enter the endless juggling act: between work, home, kids’ extracurriculars, and all the little things.
Suddenly, the idea of spending 9 to 5 in the office feels like a break - a vacation from the chaos of “mummy-land” into the adult world, where you can focus on just one task instead of packing for 24 hours before even leaving the house.
Again - if everyone’s happy, it’s fine.
But sometimes, it’s not.
Sometimes, you realise you’re stuck in a role you once jumped into willingly - but now you’re screaming to get out.
Why am I saying this?
Because if there’s one lesson to share from all this, it’s this: roles can stick. And it’s up to the couple to unstick them - out of love, respect, and a desire to share the load.
It’s okay to rethink roles. It’s okay to realise one parent needs to spend more time with the kids, while the other needs to lean into their career for a while.
Choosing communication over resentment
Sex and relationship counsellor Anna Catania says that having children often changes the dynamics within a couple. “One of the most common challenges couples bring to therapy is the issue of roles within the relationship. In my work, I see four main areas of conflict: sexuality, in-laws, the division of chores and work–life balance, and financial difficulties,” she says.
This sense of being stuck in traditional gender roles often leads to resentment. If there’s an uneven distribution of caregiving, household responsibilities, or paid work, both partners can start to feel frustrated.
The primary breadwinner may feel trapped in a job they can’t leave or reduce hours in, while the partner caring for the children may feel resentment about a stalled career or lost personal autonomy.
“The primary breadwinner may feel trapped in a job they can’t leave or reduce hours in, while the partner caring for the children may feel resentment about a stalled career or lost personal autonomy.”
“The best thing a couple can do is deceptively simple, yet emotionally complex: sit down and have an honest conversation about what’s happening, how each partner feels, and what can be done to make things better. These conversations can be difficult.
“They often require negotiation, and sometimes lead to conflict, especially when partners feel triggered or disconnected - when it feels like they’re no longer pulling in the same direction. But at other times, these talks can help couples reflect and discover how to support one another in getting unstuck,” she says.
The key is not being afraid to talk about these issues and learning to communicate without attacking or blaming. Situations change over time, and roles must often shift with them. When these conversations never happen early on, it becomes much harder later, as unspoken assumptions and unmet expectations start to build up, she adds.
Remembering you’re a team
What couples – irrespective of gender - sometimes forget in the mad rush of it all - the race against time - is that they’re a team. And when one teammate is down, the whole team suffers.
This reminds me of something the American author and researcher Brené Brown once shared, something that’s really stuck with me. She talked about how people often say marriage should be 50/50. Her response? “That’s the biggest load of bullshit I’ve ever heard. It’s never 50/50. Ever.”
She explains that if her husband comes home after a hard day with only 20% to give, and she’s feeling good, she gives the other 80%. And when the roles are reversed, he does the same.
“Sometimes, you realise you’re stuck in a role you once jumped into willingly - but now you’re screaming to get out.”
But what happens when they’re both running low? When together they don’t even make 100%? That’s when they sit down and “make a plan of kindness toward each other,” Brown says.
Because marriage isn’t about a strict 50/50 split. It’s about knowing how to carry each other’s 20% when needed. And when both are running on empty, it’s about having a plan that ensures you don’t hurt each other, she says.
I love that.
Especially because, as Anna Catania says, without communication, assumptions creep in. You start believing you’re meant to carry your load and stick to your role, no matter what. And that your partner should do the same. And when your energy is low and you see your partner doing fine, resentment builds: “Why isn’t he helping? Can’t he see I’m drowning?”
So - reach out. Speak up. Say what’s really going on.
Shift the role-posts.
And listen to those cries for help when your partner needs them shifted. It might not be in the form of the words: “I need help”. But it might look like emotional outbursts, exhaustion, irrational irritability or forgetfulness due to the mental load.
It’s about asking for help and about asking if help is needed – this can be the first step towards shifting roles.
You’re allowed to.
What do you think?
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