‍Teaching our children to know their worth

Children arrive in the world demanding to be seen, held and loved. As babies and toddlers, they seem to know instinctively what they want - and what they don’t. For them ‘no’ is an easy word, as are terms like ‘mine’ and ‘more’.

They are shameless in their needs, utterly confident that they deserve to have them met. They don’t question whether they are worthy.

They simply know.

And then, as parents, we often see something begin to shift. As our children grow, self-doubt can creep in. They start to compare themselves with others, to question their abilities, their appearance, their place in the world. They begin to do what so many of us have learned to do: look outside themselves for reassurance that they are enough.

It can be painful to watch. But it is also deeply human.

And as parents, one of the most important things we can do is nurture that innate sense of self-worth for as long as we can, helping our children understand that their value isn't dependent on achievement, approval or perfection.

So how do we protect that sense of worth in our children - and what happens when it has already been eroded Jeanine Balzan Engerer, a lecturer and counsellor who has worked with children, adolescents and families for more than 20 years, helps us understand the foundations of self-worth, the parenting behaviours that can undermine it, and why caring for ourselves is an essential part of caring for our children. Here are her replies to some questions we put to her:

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Understanding self-worth

Q. What exactly is self-worth and how does it differ from concepts such as self-esteem or confidence?

A. Self-worth is the quiet, underlying belief that “I am enough, just as I am” which isn't tied to achievement, appearance, or approval. Self-esteem, by contrast, is often more conditional: it's how we feel about ourselves based on what we do, how we perform, or how others respond to us.

Confidence is narrower still, as it's the belief in our ability to do a specific thing, like give a presentation or ride a bike.

For example, a child can have high confidence in football but low self-worth if their sense of value depends entirely on winning. Self-worth is the foundation underneath all of it. Therefore, when it's solid, confidence and self-esteem can rise and fall with life's ups and downs without shaking the child's core sense of value/worth.

Q. Why is developing a strong sense of self-worth so important, particularly during childhood?

A. Developing a strong sense of self-worth in childhood will prevent a lot of problems later in life, because in childhood the “internal working model” of self is built. This is the lens through which a person will interpret their own worth for the rest of their life.

A child with healthy self-worth is more resilient to setbacks, more able to try new things without fear of failure defining them, and less likely to seek validation through unhealthy means (people-pleasing, perfectionism, or risky behaviour) later on. It also acts as a protective factor against anxiety, depression, and toxic relationships in adolescence and adulthood.

*“Give unconditional attention daily. Even 10 minutes of undistracted, child-led time each day sends the message "you matter, not just what you achieve."*

Q. Is self-worth something we are born with, or is it something that can be nurtured and developed over time?

A. Psychology and philosophy suggest that we are born with inherent self-worth. This is reflected in how a baby demands care through crying, without any sense of guilt or unworthiness, the need itself feels entitled to be met.

However, self-worth can be nurtured or depleted depending on how a baby's needs are met. For instance, when a baby cries, are they soothed? Or are they left to cry it out? This doesn't mean every cry must be answered instantly or perfectly, but what matters most is the overall pattern of responsiveness over time, not any single moment.

The same principle continues well beyond infancy. Is a toddler's frustration met with patience or dismissal? Is a child's excitement about something they've made met with genuine attention, or brushed off? Are their fears taken seriously, or dismissed as “silly” or “too sensitive” ?

“Over thousands of these small moments, a child forms an internal answer to the question: "When I have a need, does someone come?"

This is essentially what psychologists call attunement which is a caregiver's ability to notice, accurately read, and respond to a child's emotional state.

Over thousands of these small moments, a child forms an internal answer to the question: "When I have a need, does someone come?" That answer becomes the seed of how worthy they believe themselves to be of care and attention.

So, while the capacity for self-worth may be innate, whether it flourishes or diminishes is shaped over years through these everyday interactions, and because it's shaped this way, it can also be repaired and strengthened at any age, including in adulthood, though the earlier the foundation is laid, the sturdier it tends to be.

A parent’s role

Q. How can parents cultivate a healthy sense of self-worth in their children?

A. Praise effort and character, not just outcomes. Instead of “You're so smart,” try “I noticed how hard you worked on that.”

Separate behaviour from identity: “That was an unkind thing to do” rather than “You're a bad boy/girl.”

Give unconditional attention daily. Even 10 minutes of undistracted, child-led time each day sends the message "you matter, not just what you achieve."

Let them struggle a little. Rescuing a child from every difficulty can quietly teach them they're not capable.

Model self-worth yourself. Children absorb how you talk about your own mistakes and body far more than what you tell them directly.

Q. Does it make a difference if a parent is dealing with a boy or a girl? Are issues the same or different?

A. The core needs: unconditional love, being seen, having autonomy, modelling healthy ways how to express emotions, are the same for every child. But the pressures that erode self-worth often differ by gender, partly due to social conditioning.

Girls are more likely to face early messaging that ties worth to appearance and likeability; boys are more likely to face pressure to suppress emotions and equate worth with achievement, toughness, or stoicism. Parents don't need a different approach so much as an awareness of which messages their child is absorbing from the wider world, so they can actively counterbalance them at home.

*“Your child's sense of worth is built less by what you say to them and more by how consistently you make them feel loved when they succeed and when they fail.”*

Q. What parenting behaviours or messages - intentional or unintentional - can undermine a child's sense of self-worth?

A. Some of the most common, often unintentional, culprits are comparing siblings or peers ("Why can't you be more like..."). Conditional affection or attention tied to grades, behaviour, or achievement. Harsh or shaming criticism, especially in front of others. Over-praising in a way that feels hollow or performance-based (“wow this is the best drawing I have ever seen”).

Dismissing a child's feelings ("You're fine, stop crying"). Perfectionistic parenting, where mistakes are treated as failures rather than learning. Labelling even seemingly harmless or affectionate labels like "the shy one," "the naughty one," "the clumsy one," or "the difficult one".

When a child is repeatedly described a certain way, even jokingly, or in front of others, they tend to internalise that label as fact and start to behave in ways that confirm it. We call this self-fulfilling prophecy. A child called "the naughty one" may stop trying to behave well because they've absorbed the belief that it's simply who they are.

A child labelled "the shy one" may avoid social situations because the label has become part of their identity rather than a passing trait. Labels can also flatten a child into a single dimension, teaching them that this is the one thing that defines them in the family, which is a heavy and limiting message to carry. It's far more protective to describe specific behaviour ("you were quiet at the party today") than to attach a fixed identity to it ("you're such a shy child").

Q. Do parents need to have a healthy sense of self-worth themselves in order to foster it in their children?

A. It certainly helps, because children learn as much from what we model as what we say. But no parent needs to have it all figured out. What matters more is self-awareness, which is noticing your own patterns (self-criticism, perfectionism, seeking approval) and not passing them on unconsciously.

Parents working on their own self-worth can be completely open about it: "I'm learning to be kinder to myself too" is a powerful, humanising message for a child to witness.

I'd also say that one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is to become a healthy, emotionally regulated adult and that gift naturally extends to our children too. When we do the work of building our own self-worth, we become steadier, less reactive, and more able to offer the kind of consistent, attuned presence children need. So, working on our own self-worth shouldn’t be a side project separate from parenting, it's one of the most direct and lasting ways we can support our children's.

What to look out for

Q. What are some of the biggest challenges children face today when it comes to developing self-worth?

A. Social media and constant comparison are probably the biggest shift from previous generations. Children now measure themselves against curated, filtered versions of their peers' (and strangers') lives from a very young age.

Academic pressure and a culture of achievement-as-identity are close behind. Perfectionism has also risen sharply in young people over the last couple of decades. On gender, I think girls tend to report more appearance- and social-comparison-driven pressure (often amplified by image-based platforms), while boys report more pressure around achievement, status, and emotional suppression. Though these lines are increasingly blurred, and all children are exposed to both.

*“Taking care of yourself by asking for help to do things that nurture you isn't selfish or separate from good parenting. It's part of it.”*

Here are signs to watch for that indicate a child is struggling with low self-worth:

Frequent self-critical talk ("I'm stupid," "I'm ugly," "I never get anything right")
Avoiding new challenges for fear of failing or looking foolish
Excessive need for reassurance or approval
Difficulty accepting compliments
Withdrawal from friends or activities they used to enjoy (This is one of the strongest indications that something is not ok in the child’s life. Try not to interrogate but be curious in a gentle way).
Perfectionism, or extreme distress over small mistakes
People-pleasing or difficulty saying no

If these signs are persistent rather than occasional, it may be worth speaking to a school counsellor or child psychologist.

A final message

Q. If you could leave parents with one key message about raising children with a strong sense of self-worth, what would it be?

A. Your child's sense of worth is built less by what you say to them and more by how consistently you make them feel loved when they succeed and when they fail.

Worth that's unconditional - that is not tied to grades, behaviour, or achievement - is the single greatest gift you can give them.

I'd also add this, please take care of yourselves, especially mothers. We've been raised on the idea that motherhood is a kind of martyrdom that a "good" mother sacrifices herself entirely and puts everyone's needs before her own, which is unrealistic.

Raising children is genuinely tough and demanding, and a parent who is running on empty, disconnected from support, or constantly self-sacrificing has less capacity to offer the steady, attuned presence their child needs. Taking care of yourself by asking for help to do things that nurture you, isn't selfish or separate from good parenting. It's part of it.

Meet Jeanine Balzan Engerer

I'm Jeanine, a lecturer and counsellor working with children, adolescents, and adults, with a particular focus on youth aged 16 to 18.

I have been working with children and their families for over twenty years. My interest began through voluntary work at the Salesian Oratory, supporting children in need both locally and abroad, and has continued through work in schools and at university level.

Currently, I am reading for a PhD at the University of Malta with the department of Counselling, focusing on youths’ experience in counselling and how it has affected their identity development.