The conversations we avoid - And why they matter most

We discuss the practicalities of life with ease - but avoid the conversations that truly shape intimacy. Clinical psychologist and sexologist NICHOLAS BRIFFA explains why couples stay silent about emotional needs, sex and resentment - and why that silence may be the greatest threat to love.

We talk all the time - about schedules, bills, children, work, dinner plans. But when was the last time you said what you were really thinking or feeling?

When you admitted you felt lonely in your own relationship, undesired, overwhelmed, tired or quietly resentful?

For many couples, the most important conversations are the ones that never happen. And according to clinical psychologist, sexologist and couple therapist Nicholas Briffa, that silence can slowly erode even the strongest bond.

“In therapy, I often notice that couples talk a lot about logistics but very little about the emotional core of their relationship. They discuss bills, children, work schedules and daily tasks, yet avoid the conversations that actually shape intimacy,” he says.

“In my clinical work I notice that the topics most frequently avoided are emotional needs and loneliness within the relationship, sexual desire and dissatisfaction, fears about rejection or inadequacy, money and financial values, boundaries with extended family, expectations around parenting, and long-term life dreams that may no longer match,” he says, adding that the subject of sex is especially neglected.

Resentment is another major issue. Small hurts accumulate quietly and gradually turn into emotional distance.

Why is it so difficult to open up?

But why does this happen? Why is it so hard to open up about our deepest thoughts and desires with someone we love? With the person we should feel most emotionally safe with?

Briffa explains that these conversations feel risky. They touch vulnerability, shame and fear of conflict.

“Most of us were not taught how to speak about emotions or sexuality openly. We learned to keep the peace, not to rock the boat. So partners avoid difficult topics to protect the relationship. But, paradoxically, the avoidance slowly weakens it,” he says.

“There is also the fear of hurting the other person or being misunderstood. Saying ‘I feel lonely with you’ or ‘I am not satisfied sexually’ can feel like an attack, even when it is not meant that way. So people stay silent and hope things improve on their own. From my clinical experience, I can say that they rarely do,” he adds.

Briffa stresses that, as he always emphasises with his clients, “open communication is not a luxury. It is psychological oxygen for a relationship.”

Research in couples therapy shows that emotional avoidance predicts distance, resentment and eventually separation.

“In my clinical work, the couples who struggle most are not those who argue. They are the ones who stopped talking honestly years ago,” he says.

When important topics are avoided, intimacy declines. Sexual desire often drops. Misunderstandings grow and partners begin living parallel lives. Sometimes this leads to affairs or emotional withdrawal - not because love disappeared, but because connection slowly eroded. Talking early prevents years of silent suffering, he says.

Is it ever too late?

But do men and women experience this differently? Briffa says there are differences, but not as stark as many assume.

“More than gender, what I see are differences in what I call emotional training. Many men were socialised to suppress vulnerability. Many women were encouraged to express feelings, but not always to ask directly for what they need. This can create a pursuer and withdrawer pattern. Underneath, both usually want the same things: To feel safe, respected, desired and understood.”

*“In my clinical work, the couples who struggle most are not those who argue. They are the ones who stopped talking honestly years ago.”*

So what can couples do? And is it ever too late?

The good news, is that it is never too late. “Something I like to say to couples is that small honest conversations are healthier than one dramatic confrontation. Most couples can improve significantly if both partners are willing. I have worked with couples married for twenty or thirty years who believed it was too late. It was not. Once they felt emotionally safe, they started talking in ways they never had before,” he says.

There is the misconception that some people are good at speaking and others are not. But, Briffa says, communication is something anyone can work on – if they are willing to.

“Communication is a skill, not a personality trait. Skills can be learned at any age. It does take intention and sometimes professional support. Therapy can help break old patterns and create a new language for connection,” he says.

“After many years working as a clinical psychologist and sexologist, and also simply as a husband and father, I have come to believe something very basic. Relationships do not break because people talk too much. They break because people stop saying what truly matters and stop investing time in their connection. If couples can find the courage to speak honestly and listen gently, most problems become workable. Silence is usually the bigger threat than the truth.”

So, perhaps the real measure of a strong relationship isn’t grand gestures, dramatic declarations, or picture-perfect social media posts. It’s choosing, again and again, to say the thing that feels difficult. To admit you’re hurt. To ask for what you need. To listen without defending.

The truth may feel uncomfortable in the moment. But silence, over time, costs far more.

Tips on how to communicate openly

Choose calm moments, not heated ones.
Speak from your own experience, using ‘I feel’ rather than ‘you always’.
Be curious rather than defensive.
Listen to understand and emphasise, not to win.
Talk regularly, not only when there is a crisis.

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