The lost art of being present. And how to regain it.
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In a world of endless distractions and relentless mental load, clinical psychologist and sexologist NICHOLAS BRIFFA explains why being truly present is one of the most powerful ways to support our mental wellbeing, deepen our relationships and reconnect with ourselves.
If I had to describe modern life in one image, it would probably be a cold cup of tea.
It starts innocently enough. The kettle boils, I reach for my phone, answer a message, skim an email, check the school chat, remember a job that needs doing - and by the time I look up, the tea has gone cold.
Again.
It's a small thing - that happens repeatedly - but it makes me realise how often I'm moving through life on autopilot. Present in body, absent in mind. Constantly connected, yet rarely fully engaged with the people in front of me - or even with myself.
As women, many of us juggle careers, families, relationships and the invisible mental load that keeps our minds running long after our bodies have stopped. So what does it really mean to be present, and why does it matter? Clinical psychologist and sexologist Nicholas Briffa answers my questions:
What are the greatest obstacles to being in the moment?
From what I see in my clinical work, one of the biggest obstacles is that people are rarely doing only one thing at a time. They may be sitting with their partner or playing with their children, but mentally they are still at work, worrying about tomorrow, replaying a difficult conversation or thinking about everything they still need to do.
Anxiety is another major obstacle.
An anxious mind is constantly scanning for possible problems. It asks questions such as: 'What could go wrong?', 'What if I cannot cope?' or 'What if I make a mistake?' The person may be physically safe, but their nervous system continues to behave as though there is something to anticipate or control.
“From what I see in my clinical work, one of the biggest obstacles is that people are rarely doing only one thing at a time.”
I also meet many people who find it difficult to slow down because, when they do, they come into contact with emotions they have been trying to avoid. Staying busy, scrolling through social media, working excessively or constantly looking for stimulation can sometimes become a way of avoiding sadness, loneliness, tension or dissatisfaction.
Technology has naturally made this more difficult.
Phones are often present during meals, conversations, family time and even in the bedroom. We may believe we are listening while checking a notification, but the other person usually feels the difference.
How important is it for people's wellbeing to be present?
Being present is extremely important, not because we should ignore the past or stop planning for the future, but because the present is the only moment we can actually experience and influence.
In therapy, I often see that people become overwhelmed not only by what is happening, but also by the stories their minds create around it.
They may be dealing with one difficulty today while also reliving several past experiences and imagining ten possible problems that could happen in the future. Learning to return to what is happening now can make the situation feel more manageable.
Presence also helps us notice what is happening inside us. We become more aware that we are tense, hurt, irritated or emotionally exhausted before we react. That brief pause can make the difference between responding thoughtfully and saying or doing something we later regret.
“Presence also helps us notice what is happening inside us. We become more aware that we are tense, hurt, irritated or emotionally exhausted before we react.”
This is very evident in couple therapy. Many partners tell me: 'We spend time together, but we do not really connect.' They may be in the same room every evening, but one is on the phone, the other is watching television, and most of their conversation revolves around responsibilities.
Being physically close does not always mean being emotionally present.
The same applies to sexual intimacy. I frequently work with individuals and couples who struggle to remain connected to their bodies because their minds are focused on performance. They may be thinking: 'Am I taking too long?', 'Does my partner find me attractive?', 'Will I maintain my erection?' or 'Will I reach orgasm?'
The more a person monitors and evaluates themselves, the harder it becomes to experience pleasure naturally.
Good intimacy is not simply about technique. It also requires safety, attention, curiosity and connection.
What can people do to train themselves to be more present?
The first step is to understand that being present is not something we either have or do not have. It is a skill that can be practised.
I often encourage clients to begin with ordinary moments. Have one cup of coffee without looking at the phone. Take a short walk and consciously notice what you can see, hear and feel. During a conversation, try to listen without preparing your reply while the other person is still speaking.
Breathing can also be a useful anchor. It does not need to become a complicated exercise. Even three slower breaths, while noticing the movement of the chest and abdomen, can help the body recognise that it is safe to pause.
“Being present is extremely important, not because we should ignore the past or stop planning for the future, but because the present is the only moment we can actually experience and influence.”
Another useful practice is to put words to the experience. A person might say: 'I notice that my mind is worrying', 'I am feeling tense' or 'I am becoming defensive.' Naming an experience does not make it disappear, but it can stop us from being completely carried away by it.
For couples, I sometimes suggest spending ten or fifteen minutes together each day without screens and without discussing household duties. One partner speaks while the other listens and tries to understand, rather than immediately offering advice or becoming defensive. It sounds simple, but for many couples it is the first time in weeks that they have truly looked at and listened to each other.
“I often encourage clients to begin with ordinary moments. Have one cup of coffee without looking at the phone. Take a short walk and consciously notice what you can see, hear and feel.”
Digital boundaries are also important. Keeping phones away from the dinner table, the bedroom or important conversations is not only about concentration. It also communicates something important to the other person: 'You have my attention.'
It is equally important not to turn presence into another demand for perfection. Everyone's mind wanders. The aim is not to empty the mind or remain calm throughout the day. The practice is simply to notice when we have mentally left the moment and gently bring our attention back.
Does this impact men and women differently?
The ability to be present is not determined by gender. However, men and women may experience different social pressures that influence what distracts them or what they find difficult to face emotionally.
In my work, many women describe carrying a significant mental load. Even while resting, they may be thinking about appointments, children, shopping, schoolwork, ageing parents or what needs to be prepared for the following day.
Their body may have stopped, but their mind has not. This can also affect intimacy because it is difficult to move directly from managing responsibilities into feeling relaxed and sexually connected.
“It is equally important not to turn presence into another demand for perfection… The practice is simply to notice when we have mentally left the moment and gently bring our attention back.”
Some men, on the other hand, have been taught to deal with discomfort by solving it, suppressing it or distracting themselves from it.
I sometimes see men becoming uncomfortable when a partner expresses emotion because they feel expected to fix the problem. When they cannot fix it, they may withdraw, change the subject or focus on something practical. Yet being present often means staying with another person's emotion without immediately trying to remove it.
These are general tendencies, not fixed rules. There are men carrying enormous mental and emotional loads, and women who cope by withdrawing or avoiding emotion. Personality, upbringing, trauma, work demands and relationship dynamics are usually more informative than gender alone.
The question I find most helpful in therapy is: 'What takes you away from the present moment?' For one person it may be anxiety. For another it may be resentment, fear of vulnerability, pressure to perform or simply exhaustion.
Once we understand what is pulling the person away, we can help them reconnect with themselves and with the people who matter to them